I think we have all seen it far too many times. We got therapists, preachers, social workers, ministers, psychologist, psychiatrists, counselors, self appointed healers, self appointed experts, self appointed relationship guides and directors, government run programs, social run programs, workshops, retreats, self help books, self awareness books, self awakening books and a whole lot of self centered instruction, couple instruction and group instruction. There are specialty programs for women to find themselves as women and for men to find themselves as men. Oh and there is religion too. (let’s not forget all the forms of hypnotism)
It is a wonder anyone ever gets anywhere when they may possibility seek help with their relationship.
Where do you go?
What do you do?
Who do you trust?
Who do you turn to?
Yes all of these programs are filled with very well educated and well-meaning people. There are professionals that will share everything they know to help anyone in need. There are of course those who just do things for money and don’t really seem to care, especially when lying on a weird couch in their office.
These folks have tools, lots of tools; many of them actually do effect change if we use them. They know about treatments and therapies that we have never heard of. There is no end and no limit to all the various ways society has tried to help people who are in need of a relationship recovery all throughout the centuries.
In fact it is almost incalculable how many different forms of advice that have been discovered and suggested and offered. Given that fact, one starts to wonder why we have not yet “Mastered” this thing called our “Relationship”.
Perhaps it is better to keep some things in mind before embarking on that LONG road of finding the right help?
First off we have to understand that Relationships are the hardest thing to want to maintain in our life. It is the most dynamic, most impressive, most effecting of our vulnerabilities and most profound in our life story. No other relationship is more persistent in upturning our lives than the intimate relationships we engage in. At times some form of help may do us all good.
Yet, I believe that help is already within us.
Right here I can feel my writing will change.
We once looked upon our lover and saw no one on earth more beautiful than them.
What on earth happened?
If we desire to seek some assistance than it is imperative that we avoid certain things.
No one can help us if we are not absolutely honest. (yes absolutely)
No one can help us if we have an agenda to “prove” the other person wrong in our relationship.
No one can help us if we cannot admit that everyone involved is just as responsible as everyone else.
No one can help us if we have a need to be “right” and play the victim.
No one can help us who has no experience with our particular issues.
This is important. If I take my car to a mechanic, I would hope he has worked on engines that were broken beyond all ability to ever run again, and then made them run again. THAT is a professional. If he simply has knowledge, tools, ideas and a degree then he is of absolutely no use to me as a mechanic.
The same is true with a good therapist. If they have not had extremely unhealthy relationships of their own, then how do they ever expect to help someone who is in the midst of an unhealthy relationship? I would rather listen to a guy who has had two divorces and lost everything twice and then rebuilt his life, than anyone who wears a nice suit, has a fancy office, wears a smile and stands with his wife like they are “the” example of God.
It is scary when opening up to anyone about our relationships. If either you or your loved one is still feeling the desire to avenge the relationship, then their choice of therapist will reflect whoever sides the most with them. We cannot get an accurate path to take if there are subconscious “sides’ being taken. We don’t need “allies” in our relationship. Our Relationship is supposed to be comprised of our Ally and friend and confidant. An outsider must remain an outsider otherwise we have already compromised the very thing we once protected with instinctual necessity.
So being an outsider, how are they to truly help?
We have to keep in mind that they have adopted ideas, concepts, morality, spirituality and relationship parameters that they agree with for their own life. This does not mean it WILL work in your relationship. Blindly accepting anyone’s direction is paramount to total destruction. We in essence then have begun a relationship with the therapist, and have forgone ours with whomever we started that treatment with.
Before getting help maybe it would be good to ask ourselves certain things?
Everyone who has relationship issues is holding something back. We all know it. We all know this is true. All of us have done it. There is something we just don’t want to talk about, or don’t want to feel or don’t want to allow our selves to remember. This has to be abandoned. We HAVE to speak it. We have to feel it. We have to let go of our desire to harbor weapons and instead grasp honesty from our hearts once again. We must or the process is already doomed. We must at least try and accept that this is our goal.
As a male it has been common in my past to simply stop allowing myself to feel my own love for someone. I found them guilty of something and so I just don’t let myself feel how beautiful or wonderful they once were to me. This is childish. If I am to get help, then I must reset the parameters of my relationship back to their origins and beginnings.
The current situation IS THE PROBLEM…
The origin of the relationship IS THE ANSWER.
Whatever we hang onto WE WILL HAVE. Think about this.
A couple MUST agree to restore their relationship together. They must agree that this is what they both want. They cannot hold back or lie to themselves about this. A couple MUST agree to LOVE each other and accept each other as sacred living beings.
Judgment of character must be abandoned. Anger must be abandoned. Resentment must be accepted and then abandoned. Yes we have to be honest about behavior. Etc.
Here’s the trick, ALL of us already know this.
We ALREADY know this. No one had to teach you this.
Indeed there is nothing I have said that you don’t already know.
We already know that in the beginning of our relationships we made decisions with our partners to share our lives with them. We already know that we must uphold those decisions we made, or make another decision. There is no reason to hold people hostage in relationships we do not want. What could be more cruel than the lie of love?
We are in this life together with our mates. Many will try to come between you and them in a multitude of ways, some even without trying. We already know that in the beginning nothing could stand between our lover and us. Those effects must be realized again, and adhered to with growing certainty. You already know how to do this. What would happen if you choose to again? Perhaps you would just feel security, strength, love and potential. If currently seeking help than it is obvious you are not feeling those things and have not made that decision you once had.
The options for assistance are vast. Whatever works to restore former blessings and bliss and happiness is the goal to find.
Mastering our relationship is Possible. In fact we ALREADY mastered it in the beginning. Don’t be dismayed by the wounds of time. Remember physical Life itself has been designed that we have families and groups and LONG term forever relationships until death. Nothing is actually more natural than our intimate relationship, and we forget that sometimes in favor of “other pastures”. Nothing is more natural than that our relationship should grow, expose more truth and form us into people of stronger character. Indeed all those things happened in the beginning didn’t they?
Before setting out to involve outsiders, remember where the relationship started and remember that the same two who now seem so hopeless were actually the ones who before were so strong and beautiful together. If you want to seek help, then it is already true that you still Love the person you are with. Love is truly ALL you need to restore the relationship to former glory. In fact we generally love them more now than we did in the very beginning.
In the beginning
No one was more beautiful to us than they
And if this were true then
It is still true now
If we are honest
You already know the truth, have known the truth, and WILL know the truth.
May your lover rejoin you also in this quest.
It takes two.
Who knows your love life better?
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