My First Dream was a Nightmare

Dreams are a fitting example of the relationship between the physical outside world impressing itself upon the inner world of the soul.

I was only 2 or 3 years of age when this dream came to me.
It is the first dream I can ever remember.
It is still with me today in stunning detail.

Suddenly I found myself atop a tall Lighthouse.
I could see the waters far below crashing against the rock.
There was a large green hill sloping upwards to a dense forest.

All was dark inside the tower top except directly in front of the lense.
There beamed light out into the night sky as it slowly turned.

My ears could hear a heavy breath – in and out.
The anticipation of what was hiding in the dark made my heart beat deeply.

Slowly the light turned to reveal a giant Gorilla staring directly at me.
His fists were clenched up by his chest and teeth were showing from his mouth.
Anger was in his eyes.

Then he lunged directly at me.
I gasped and ran for the circular staircase.
Down and down and down I went
Round and Round and Round.

He was right behind me, growling and huffing and grunting
as he chased me down the stairs.

The staircase got longer and longer; I went faster and faster.

He was getting closer to me and I could hear his fists reaching out
to swat at my back.

Finally I reached the bottem and flew open the door.
No freedom in sight yet.

I ran on the grass to the white fence
Jumping over the fence I saw row after row of more fences
circling outward.

I am 2 years old and running for my life
hurdling over each row of fences.

I knew if I could just reach the forest I would be safe.

He was still right behind me… running after me with all his speed.
The noise alone would frighten a grown man.
His intention was so clear as he huffed in rage.
He wanted me dead and torn to pieces.

I was so small and running out of breath as each new fence seemed to get taller.
I could feel the blood pumping in my forehead.
Never have I known such fear as this moment.
Nothing would stop me from running away as fast as I could.

I reached the last fence and sped up the hill.
The Gorilla was now bursting each row of fences apart
trying to get to me faster.

I could hear he was still gaining ground on me.
I don’t think I can make it to the forest before he reaches me.

Tears are pouring out of my eyes as I am giving my sprint everything I got.
I know my skin will be ripped off me if he can reach me.

The hill is steep but I don’t give up.

I see the tree line and go for it
but his fist are now pounding the ground as he too is running on open ground.
He is trying to stop me before I reach the forest.

Suddenly I am there… inside the trees…
all the noise stops and there is one last echoing growl of hatred piercing the sky.

I beat him.

But now I am far far from my Lighhouse home, lost in the dark forest, alone with no one.

Then I awaken in my crib/bed and see my brother sound asleep across the room.
He is 5 years old and I am safe again.
I have never forgotten this dream… my first.

This is the dream of my own shadow self. It is the vision of what I would believe to be my enemy on the surface. A Big, Scary, loud, angry beast is chasing a little boy trying to kill him. Some of us seem to spend the rest of our lives trying to take back the home or ground or lighthouse we were forced away from. Some of us figured out an intelligent way to cage the beast and ignore he ever existed.

I have come to believe that the Beast is also me. It is the part of me that is the irrational passionate scary potent instinct. Even at only 2 years of age that instinctual part of self was vital and borne of generations of man before me. I am unsure if it is ever truly possible to LOVE the beast in us and give to it anything that will completly satisfy it. As we grow in thought, so it grows also in strength. The ancient will is never undone wholly. My conscious Light will always find contradiction to the Darkness. Yet they are both within.

I cannot hide forever in the woods.
I cannot dwell in peace in the Lighthouse with that Animal also there.

Thus we find the dichotomy of man and the foundation that allows us the very purpose to choice.
May your journey within be of great value to you.

Ryan o0o