I used to be a soul of deep thought.
This was not because of actual depth of character.
It was due to depth of false information.
Hours upon hours of my life I sat
sometimes in a rocking chair
sorting through all I knew
all I was taught
all I believed
all I was meant to be in the eyes of those who knew me.
Sometimes others would come and sit with me
and wonder and ponder and seek.
We would walk the universe of possibility.
We would talk the talk of madmen.
I knew what I wanted to say… but could I?
I knew what I wanted to do… but should I?
I knew what I wanted.
How could I fit myself into the world of “reality”?
How could I fit myself into the world of “sanity”?
How could I fit myself into the world of “perceived responsibility”?
How could I be the truth of me without being a rebel?
How could I find the courage to shed everything… everything?
There is no way to be what we are without hurting others.
There is no way to express what we are without confusing others.
There is no way to accept who we are without scaring ourselves… and others.
There is no way to walk in the world of man… without losing what we are.
We must walk in the world to live as flesh.
We must exit the world to live in spirit.
We must balance the two to be true to our hearts.
What a conundrum of perception’s perception.
What a moral dilemma or morality’s morals.
The only courage I found was in the distance stare of the elderly.
I could see the awful truth in their eyes.
And then there was the greatest of things in me.
Never would I know the bliss of tender unity.
I had to climb the ladder of my own making.
I had to step off everything else that everything else showed me.
The discoveries of other men, were the discoveries of OTHER men.
Equal in all things so yea also was that of reason.
The dreams of mankind, the dreams of a people, the dreams of a family, the dreams of a couple…
ALL had to be smashed.
It seemed to fit every part of every day of my life!
Did not I intuitively seek unique and beautiful things in everything?
Was I not given a unique and beautiful life of my own?
Did I not know my own pain and my own joy?
What is folly to the uneducated fool?
What is greatness to the uninitiated genius?
In truth I find perfection in perfect chaos and perfect order.
I find perfection in the order of chaos and the chaos of order.
There are sheep among the lowly and sheep among the mighty.
I find a greater man in he who is given the love of a woman in worship of his soul
and a lowly man in he who is given flesh in worship of his power, money or prestige.
And WHO can take what a man is from him
when removed is the idea of worldly stature?
There are King’s hidden throughout the earth
and our world spins on the jester’s toy.
And as for God I had to know his love
and I HAD to know also his heart no longer loved me.
What do I know of a God’s love without knowing not of it?
How could I ever know not of it or know it AT ALL if I believed anything that anyone said of God?
I would accept nothing that anyone told me of my earthly Father to be more true then my OWN relationship to him. None could tell me of the Mother I had with more authority than I. Of priests and spiritual folk I find a great reminder to remember my Father and Mother… but it is I who must remember my life as they must remember their own.
Now I walk my ladder.
in the center is my heart
on the bottom is my beast
on the top is my soul.
The simplicity of my truth was hard to admit
more difficult to grasp
almost impossible to endure the transition.
Yet I do not die by revealing myself to myself.
I only die by denying myself to myself
in order to reveal what you want to see to you.
All Words and Images (unless otherwise noted)
Copyright © 2013 Ryan Ranney – Ranney Studios
Painting “Above and Below” Graphical Photo/Image ©2011 Colleen Ranney – used with permission
All Rights Reserved